Awkward...

I was perusing my facebook profile today, looking at things that I had done on other October 21sts throughout my life.  Let me tell you, if you ever want to shake your head at yourself, look at your facebook posts three years ago.  It's amazing how much we change in such short periods of time.  Really, most any one of you would look at what you did three years ago and call yourself silly.  Not because you were, but because you are simply better now.  Isn't that so cool?!

But that's not what I'm talking about.  I came across a post from exactly 4 years ago, where I admitted to pretending to text during an awkward situation that I didn't know how to handle.  This got me to thinking about all the different ways that people tend to react to those moments in time where you really don't understand how something happened, or how you feel about it.

Just think about some of those moments...where you're with a group of about eight to ten people, and all of a sudden the person you're secretly talking about walks in.  Or when someone starts bragging about how great they did at something....and no one agrees.  Or someone that definitely can't be allowed to come with you in a certain situation suggests they will tag along.  Or you realize you've forgotten the one thing that was going to make this get-together cool.  Or your friend whispers a secret about someone else in the room that shocks you...in a moment you need to be silent.  There are all sorts of scenarios that cause people in the room to not know what in the world to do.  I suggest there are seven major ways that our panicking bodies and brains react to such situations.

The Hero

None of the following reactions have time to surface if the Hero is in the room.  The Hero is the Superman of awkward situations.  Most people don't understand how the Hero can just jump into the middle of the situation and make everyone laugh and change subjects smoothly and effortlessly.  When someone starts crying uncontrollably because they're so stressed, the Hero is suddenly on the other side of the room, yelling about the latest popular movie in theaters.  When no one will admit that they are at fault in a hostile situation, the Hero takes the blame, and then gets up and does a jig to celebrate the victory.  The Hero stands out so others can hide.  If only we all could be Heroes.

The Babbler

One of the first people you'll notice in an intensely awkward situation is the Babbler.  The Babbler's mouth just starts moving, changing subjects about as fast as the clock ticks.  Often, each person in the room will take turns listening to all the things the panicking Babbler has to say, as the Babbler's eyes get wider and wider as they realize what's going on, but seem to have an inability to stop it.  When the Babbler becomes sufficiently self-aware, their best efforts to stop talking generally just result in faster and faster speech until no one understands them.  There has not been a way discovered yet that can effectively calm down the Babbler until they have run their course.

The Ill

Some people, when confronted with socially awkward situations, just turn a ghostly shade of white and sit/stand their, frozen, motionless.  Whether they are actually in a position now to readily throw up on command, we are not sure, but they sure are convincing.  On occasion, the Ill might rock back and forth ever so slightly.  The Ill's eyes are the largest of any of the others.  Do not touch the Ill, or even move to swiftly if you are close to them.  If you find that you have an Ill in the room during a particularly awkward moment, it is wise to quickly resolve that tense feeling before you regret it.

The Flirt

The Flirt's insecurity during awkward situations is manifest by overconfidence in their appeal to the others in the room.  When the Flirt is not sure what to do, they commence rapid eyebrow movements and find themselves getting closer and closer to the source of the awkwardness.  If you look closely, they have a hint of "WHAT AM I DOING?" in their eyes as they steadily approach the cause of their abnormal behavior.  The Flirt is good at what they do, and while they themselves may see this strange reaction as a bizarre fault, it sure reaps its benefits in a great array of suitors.

The Funnybone

The Funnybone comes from the perfect mixture of the Babbler and the Ill...resulting in uncontrollable laughter.  Obnoxious laughter.  All of a sudden, all that is awkward in the world becomes the greatest joke they have heard for years, and they can hardly get a word out to explain themselves through their guffaws.  This reaction always comes unexpectedly to the Funnybone, but turns out to be one of the most handy in diffusing the awkward pressure of the situation.  However, we find that even after the awkwardness has subsided, the Funnybone still can't seem to stop.  If they can't get themselves under control, it may even bring the awkward moment to an awful reawakening by not being able to drop the subject.  If you are friends with the Funnybone, bring snacks or something around with you, so you can quickly calm them once their laughter has done its duty.

The Transcendent

Some have the socially acrobatic skill of suddenly becoming completely oblivious to all that is around them.  When a subject is brought up in conversation that they don't like, they suddenly have been distracted by the bird outside for the past three minutes.  When their ex gets on the bus, their cell phone appears out of nowhere, with which they find themselves engrossed in a very important texting conversation.  They find things to put on their head or find in their pocket with mysterious style.  Naivete is their greatest weapon.

The Apparater

Lastly, there are some people that seem to have the ability to literally apparate when awkwardness fills the room.  Before most people have even noticed, they are out the door and in the next hallway.  They are able to become instantaneously late for anything, and bolt before anyone has a chance to say a word.  Some have even become so talented in this awkwardness-defense-mechanism that when they disappear before your eyes, the other people in the room seem almost to forget the Apparater was even there at all.  To save face, they practically blink out of existence!  It's very impressive.

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Why our bodies fire up unexplained emotions and actions in awkward moments, we may never fully understand.  But to recognize the common symptoms of awkwardness can help you understand what is going on when other people suddenly start acting strange.

And I have a dare for you.

Next time you find yourself in any of these moments of ultimate (or even subtle) awkwardness, simply say the word "awkward."  It works miracles, I promise.  It is like the forbidden key to the box of taboo mystery.

That's all you have to do.  Join with me, and we will eradicate awkwardness from the world.  Together!