Okay, before I begin, I must address my song choice. For all you nineties kids out there, I'm sure you recognize it as the theme to the popular children's show, "Arthur." This means that it is near and dear to your heart, and you don't know why you can sing it word for word, but you can. I must inform you: THIS SONG WAS SUNG BY BOB MARLEY'S SON. That's cool, and changed my life. That's all.
Today, I wish to speak to slash relate with any of you out there that sometimes just feel distant from everyone around you. Not that you're constantly depressed or anything (though you might be), just that in all the fun and conversations you have with people, you almost feel like you're in limbo...alone in a crowded room. This is for you.
FIRST, to bring you up to speed on me (you can skip down to the long dashed line if you don't need this preface): All growing up, I was that kid in the corner that no one knew. I didn't stand out, I didn't make friends, I sat in the back and did my homework. Coming into high school, I had become accepted into a large group of friends (I was in the band, and their circle of friends also included the debate kids), but I always felt like they just invited me out of pity because they knew I'd feel left out if they didn't. They were all smarter than me, more accomplished than me, I was just this quirky kid who tried to pretend like he belonged. At least that's how I felt. I never really had a reason (well, besides my wonderful mother, but as a kid, who believes the nice things their mothers say? Mothers are supposed to say those things...) to believe in myself. I wasn't outgoing, I was never that awesome athlete or the popular kid or the president of a club... The only thing I really felt like I had to offer anyone was help with school (I was always good at math), but that doesn't get you friends, that gets you people who use you.
My junior year, one of the most popular, outgoing, talented people in the school started treating me like I was the same. He invited me to come do absolutely ridiculous things...messy things, public things...I was always so nervous when he told me he had a new project he needed help with... it usually involved me going WAY out of my comfort zone. And yet, even though I could never be as "cool" as him, he continued to just take me along and be my friend. Because of him, I found myself doing UNHEARD of things, like running for student body president and getting lead parts in the school's plays and musicals. I was still this shy little boy...but suddenly everybody knew my name!
Which brings me to today. Still a shy, insecure little boy wondering why people think I've got things figured out...
---------------------------------------------------
People tell me I'm great. They tell me I'm talented, I'm funny, I'm so creative... And I know you get similar compliments. It might be hard to remember, because you just shrug them over your shoulder like I do, but you get them. The problem is, we live in such a congenial world, it's easy to just assume that those people are just saying that, even though I know it's not really true...
If you're like me, you might find it hard to believe that people really enjoy being around you simply because you are you. We all crave that feeling that someone loves us simply for our presence, and not for the things that we might have/be expected to offer. I go through this every time I meet someone new who actually will spend some quality time with me more than twice, seemingly voluntarily. I've recently made a new friend simply because our schedules match up almost exactly this semester. Now it would be easy for him to go off and do other things or talk with other people, but he doesn't. He talks to me. It may seem silly to some, but not to you, when I say that it almost makes me mad!! I come away from it thinking "Why don't you just stop pretending I'm so interesting already? Sure, we've made friends, that's nice. But you don't need to keep talking to me out of necessity. I'm okay with being alone. Just go do what you enjoy, I like you too much to allow you to waste your time on me!" I really enjoy being with my friends, but I always assume that they'd rather be somewhere else, and that this is just a service to me.
Now, hopefully you don't hate yourself. I don't hate me. I really love me, actually. I consistently make myself proud by the strides that I make and the good things that I do. But I also am aware of enough of my insecurities, infirmities, and inabilities, that I just lie in wait for people to realize that I'm not as good as they think I am.
STOP. STOP THINKING THESE THINGS. Let me tell you something.
I am only willing to post these kinds of feelings publicly because I know that more of you than I might even expect also have these feelings. You might be considered one of the most popular in the class, or maybe you still are that shy kid in the back of the corner. It doesn't matter. Most of us will go through these thought processes at some point.
So turn around. Look at your friend. Can you imagine them thinking all those things? What if they think that YOU are only spending time with THEM because you want to serve them. Because you pity them. Because you feel like you have to. Is this true? Of course not! You spend time with them because you value their intrinsic worth and their brilliant mind and their passionate soul! You are aware of the stupid things they do, and even some of the things they try to hide. That doesn't bother you. You love them all the same!
They feel that way about you, too. And they're compliments are true. Think about it. When someone tell's you how impressive you are at something, your first thought is that they're "just saying that." Well last time I checked, we're not actually living in the televistic world we watch so often where anybody and everybody are spies with ulterior motives seeking to deceive you and ruin your life. It's just not that way.
Pride can get the best of all of us. I know it does me. It causes me to believe that I am somehow lower or separated from everyone else. But I am not. We are all the same. And your friends are real. So believe them. Their presence has served you well.
So serve them with yours.
No comments:
Post a Comment