MOMS

I saw a shirt today that reminded me of an atrocious tradition in today's society that is swiftly approaching us:

*Shudders*

"Mustache November," or in some cases, "No-Shave November."  This is a craze that is sweeping the nation, usually in the name of men's health research (though, who do you know that grew a mustache in November who raised any money for or contributed any money to any institution studying men's health?  No one.  Correct).  We understand that this must be largely due to the fact that there is a social safety in doing something as a public that one would never do alone.  I feel it is my obligation as one who has not yet been tainted by this hypnotic suggestion (have you SEEN the amount of mustaches on notebooks, wallets, bandanas, posters, flyers, and shirts??  Someone is manipulating us...) to convince any that are willing to listen of the folly that is the mustache.

First, the mustache has quickly become the source of a whole slew of really terrible puns.  Puns that keep getting used over and over, even though we have all heard them.  All you can really get out of saying "I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later," is a half-hearted chuckle, if you're speaking to someone kind.  I just want you to think for a moment as you stare at these puns.  Do you actually find them funny?  Are you laughing right now?  If so, are you ashamed that you are laughing?  And yet, how many times have you seen one of those shirts or wallets or socks and thought "Maybe I'll get one of those..."  You just can't stay away!  There is something alluring about the concept of a mustache that seems to cause people to throw away their common sense altogether!  It's like a drug!  All they want is a mustache, and they don't even know why!  Statistically, the average man with a mustache touches it 760 times a day.  That's a little obsessive if you ask me.

Let us explore for a moment our illustrious English dictionary.  If you look up the word "mustache," one of the first definitions is "hairs or bristles growing near the mouth of an animal."  If that wasn't wanton enough, "mustache" is based off of the root "mastax," which literally means "that which one chews."  This makes sense, however, as I don't know that I would be able to resist reaching up for those rogue little cookie crumbs either.

Among the top words associated in people's minds with the generic word "mustache," the word "Hitler" still finds its way among the third, second, or first result in every study, as was showcased on an episode of the popular word-association game show Family Feud.  This isn't to assume or label anything on those people that might enjoy sporting a mustache...this is just a fact.  Those who have a mustache are going to find more social inconveniences come upon them simply because others are more likely to think of Hitler when interacting with them than they might with someone else!  Really, more than anything, we're trying to protect mustached men from themselves...some people just haven't received enough education on the subject!  This is a flaw in our educational system that should obviously be blamed on the government.

You never know what might be underneath a mustache.  In 1967, the Beatles wore mustaches on the cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and enclosed cardboard versions within.  Paul McCartney explained his Sgt. Pepper 'stache as a pragmatic response to a tumble from a moped in 1966.  After splitting his lip and chipping his tooth on the pavement, the doctor stitching up his lip messed up and had to do it twice.  Said McCartney:  

"In fact, that was why I started to grow a mustache.  It was pretty embarrassing, because around that time you knew your pictures would get winged off to teeny-boppery magazines like 16, and it was pretty difficult to have a new picture taken with a big fat lip.  It caught on with the guys in the group...and then it became seen as a kind of revolutionary idea, that young men of our age definitely ought to grow a mustache!"

So, ladies, just know that the 'stache on your man might have alternative motives aside from simply looking cool...

Did you know a mustache can absorb 20% of its weight in liquid?  Next time you see a man with an impressive mustache, ask him how many times a dog has tried to lick his mustache because it smelled like some kind of food or delicious fruit drink.  Unfortunately, the mustache grows directly between the mouth and the nose, two parts of the body that are highly supplied with all types of liquid.  Sporting a mustache makes a man 30% more likely to suffer from hay fever....we'll leave those fluids to your imagination.

In fact, a scientific study showed that the number of bacilli found on a woman's lips after kissing a bare-lipped man was about 160...while a woman directly after kissing a man with a mustache carried about 1600 bacilli on her lips.  Bacilli is the bacteria that can cause a disease called anthrax (a disease which is most often fatal).

Originally when typing up this article, I was really excited to write a bunch of ridiculous stuff about mustaches after finding ridiculous statistics about them.  I didn't expect it to become so informative and terrifying!!  If I hadn't been wary of mustaches before, I sure am now.

Actually, while I am on this "Let's change the world" kick, let's start a movement!!

MOMS (Men Opposing Mustache Survival) is an organization dedicated to spreading the word about the dangers of hair on the upper-lip.  If you have a friend who currently has a mustache problem, contact us at 1-45-HAIRLESS and we can help.  Men every day suffer from symptoms of mustache growth, but don't care enough to shave it before it is too late.  1 woman's and 10 men's social lives suffer death every day because of this pandemic.  Share this information with your friends and family, you may save generations from excruciatingly embarrassing family photos, and much more.

We can stop this.  Together.