Testing...Testing....

You know how really simple things can boost your appreciation for humanity and all those who are a part of it?  That happened to me today.  I realized today how epic we all are as I was showering.  At almost any given moment, there's probably someone on the earth showering, right?  And there are probably enough people doing it at the same time anywhere around the world, that it's probably safe to say that among all 7 billion of us, every major part of the human body is being washed by somebody.  This means that at all times, there is someone out there rubbing a bar of soap on the bottom of their feet.  How cool is that??  That's probably one of the most brave things we do on a regular basis.  Think about it.  Once you've washed the bottom of your feet, showering becomes a whole lot more dangerous.  It takes a lot of faith for a human to make the bottoms of their feet so slippery they can't stand up safely anymore!  Think of all the faith being shown at every moment in time, just due to that little action!  We are so cool.

I'm really excited, because I just done been told by Madison that Owl City just tweeted he's having a music video contest for his hit song, "Gold."  The entries are due by March 11.  The winning video will become the OFFICIAL music video for the song, and the maker will win $5,000.  No-brainer, right?  I'm totally making one.  It's going to be so awesome.  Near the beginning of March, however, I'm going to need a whole bunch of people willing to bring a fairly heavy-duty squirt gun and fill it with gold paint so we can film the most epic paint war in history.  Think about it.  Because I need you.

So....I'm mostly writing this blog post to stall the necessary task of reading this economics textbook.  I have a quiz tomorrow that I really need to get a good grade on, but I reeeeally don't care to read this book.  But I can't go on like this.  Too many of us ragged college students put off studying until the very last minute, then we cram, do fairly well, and then forget everything we learned!  So I've been brainstorming some ways to make studying a little more enjoyable; maybe it will help me get off the darn internet and prepare for tests a little sooner:

• Print out all the stuff you need to know on little pieces of paper, and tape them all over your house.  Don't allow yourself to pass a note on the wall without reading it.  If anyone ever asks you anything that you might be asked on your test, you have to find the paper containing the answer, wherever it is, as fast as possible.
• Write songs.  They don't even have to be good ones!  Just find a song you like (or maybe one you don't like, so if you ruin it, it doesn't matter) and find some key sentences you need to know, and put them to the tune of the song.  You'll have that stuff down in no time (just try to sing as quietly as possible when you're taking the test).
• Go buy a food marker.  Write vocabulary words on potato chips or granola bars or something.  It is not until after you have correctly and independently defined the word that you are allowed to eat that snack.
• Find the phone number of someone who bothers you...text them "Did you know..." and then a statement from your textbook that seems important.  Keep texting them all the key facts you find.  They will be so knowledgeable and annoyed when you are finished!
• Hire someone to read your book to you.  Find someone who will work for like $4 an hour or something, and have them read all the material you need to know out loud three or four times.  This way, you can still browse facebook, flip burgers, and do your yoga...and learn at the same time!
• In the spirit of Mulan, write all the answers as small as you can down your arm.  Cover the whole underside of your arm with the answers.  You should probably take a shower (remember to wash your feet!) before the test so you don't cheat...but you'll still feel cool when you graffiti your arm (and actually retain a lot more by writing it all down).
• Get a study group together.  Turn your vocabulary words into a game of Catch Phrase!

You know, I'm actually kind of excited now.  I think I'm going to get under my covers and bring my textbook and a flashlight with me.  All night, I can keep whispering "Lumos Maxima!"  I'll keep studying just because I feel so cool and rebellious!

Well, until next time, ciao ciao, ciao ciao ciao ciao.  Wish me luck!

The Natural Habitat

So I have this ridiculous green hoodie that's little draw strings are actually headphones in disguise.  When I go around with my hoodie strings in my ears, I look REALLY stupid.  But I love it.  And they are some of the best naturally sound-blocking headphones I've ever had!  I've found it quite entertaining to turn up the music so loud that I can't hear my voice at all even when I belt out to the songs.  It tricks my brain into thinking that I sound like the artist!  It's quite the confidence booster.  It's also strange to try to whistle to a song while you can't hear yourself...because without the sound, it turns out there's really no way to tell if you are whistling or just blowing out silent air.  It can actually be a little distressing!

I was walking behind this girl today as I was heading to class...and I had to look around to make sure I wasn't on camera or something.  You see, she had this perfect little "walk the line" strut in her high heels down the slushy sidewalk in her perfect red coat and black skirt... but as she made her way down the cement runway, it seemed just about everything was out to get her!  I saw giant clumps of snow, icicles, hyperactive birds, and a rock someone kicked all whiz by her, missing her by centimeters.  It was rather impressive.  It was like the perfect television commercial where the main woman walking through a bunch of crazy stuff just looks perfect as she strides through untouched.  She must have used Pantene Pro-V that morning or something.

I have a gymnastics class I go to every Monday and Wednesday with my sister.  It is directly after a class I have that is a good distance away, so I always have to book it over the ice and sludge to get there in time to change into gym clothes before class starts.  To accomplish this, I have to go....there.....:

The Men's Locker Room.

If you ever wanted to see the perfect stereotype of the male species, you've just had to go hang out in a men's locker room.  It's repulsive, really.  I am always ashamed to be a man for ten minutes after leaving one of those places.  I always cringe from the very beginning when I hear four or more voices all laughing in a really dumb, slow, low-pitched style...I always know I'm in for the full experience.  I get to hear conversations like "Dude, I swear, she's a total babe, man.  I mean, she is HOT."  "Dude, that's so awesome, man!  Did you kiss her, dude?"  "No, man, she's got a dude she's already dating, he's a loser, dude."  "Bro!  Just kiss her anyway, man!  She'll totally leave him for you."  "You're so right, man!  I'll do it tonight during study group, dude."

*shudders*

First of all, once any guy has said "dude" or "man" or "bro" more than three times in a short amount of time, I immediately assume that subconsciously they are insecure with themselves and their sexuality.  It's very judgmental of me, I know, but it's usually true.  I've also noticed that there seems to be a tapering off at either end of the age domain of a man in which he doesn't care what other guys see him naked.  You see, little children go off running with no clothes on all the time.  And people think it's cute, too.  Then they grow up, and they actually are in clothes when they're in public, and even in public showers and such they'll usually wear swimsuits or something.  But then there's a tapering off on the other side of the spectrum, too...and it's definitely not cute.  I just don't understand why, once men have rolled over the 60-year mark, they no longer care to wear any clothing in men's dressing rooms, either.  It's rather disturbing.

And guys hit and slap each other all the time.  It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable...after a couple minutes, I'm just thinking "seriously, stop touching each other!  It's weird!"  But it always has to be at least slightly violent when they touch each other.  The only exception seems to be a firm handshake either to begin a sporting match or when in a formal setting.  Otherwise, they always have to hit each other.  The hugging is my favorite primitive showing of brotherly love to watch, personally.  They just can't hug each other without smacking each other on the back!  It's not possible for them!  And it's not just once, either.  A minimum of two slaps per hug is required.  This has become such an issue in our society now, when I went to an LDS temple to see a newly-wed couple be sealed together, the temple worker had to stop the group before anyone congratulated the bride and groom and told them to please refrain from slapping each other on the back when they hugged, as it disturbed the other people in the temple.  EVERY GUY who hugged the groom slapped him on the back anyway, and he slapped them back.  It's ridiculous.  Any of you guys out there who want to do a social experiment, next time you hug one of your good guy friends, just embrace them, with no hitting involved.  It's hard for me not to laugh out loud when I do it, you feel their whole body fill with awkwardness so fast.  They just don't know what to do!

It's funny, there was one guy in the locker room today that actually pulled a stereotypical girl move, actually.  I'm not sure what exactly had happened in his life, but apparently it was really exciting, because he exclaimed "Oh, this is such good news!"  The other males, however were busy talking about girls in short shorts and doing that dumb laugh, so they weren't paying attention to him.  So he waited like twenty seconds, then shouted out again, "Oh, this is such good news!"  No one heard him.  I laughed and continued getting changed, when just a few seconds later, I heard from behind the row of lockers, "Oh, this is such good news!"  Apparently this was something he really wanted to "accidentally" share with the rest of the group, but no one paid attention.  He ended up saying it nine times, with not even a change in inflection any of the times he said it.  I was impressed at how stereotypically female that was of him to do.  Maybe that's why it didn't work.  Maybe most guys literally can't perceive things like that happening when they're in a men's locker room.

I find us humans so fascinating.  We're so weird.  And societies are so weird.  Stereotyping is so fun, because you can ALWAYS find a great number of people that perfectly fit the description encased in the stereotype (that's where they come from).  But I highly suggest that, while being amused by them, never actually place someone you see into one of those stereotype boxes in your head...because it will be your natural instinct to keep them there.  Do you know that just the very nature of how our bodies take in and record the experiences we have each day that there is absolutely no way that you can meet someone one day and have them be the same person the next day?  It's not physically possible.  I love that about the human race.  Just by the choices we make each day, we each can transform ourselves into absolutely anyone we want to do.  It's amazing, really!

What did today do to you?

We Are Both!!

Today, I went to class, worked, went to a meeting, came home, played Dance Central until my limbs fell off, had dinner with the fam, and then Madison came over so we could plan a murder mystery party we are hosting soon (I'll definitely tell you more about it later).  Then...we talked from like 10:30 to 2:30 at night about a million things about how life works and how beautiful it is to be alive.  I love chats like that!  But my head is whirling around with scads of thoughts about the universe...and I don't want to overwhelm anyone with my brain vomit, so I shall try to talk only about something simple that I am thinking about.

It has been on my mind a lot lately the contrasts between the material and the immaterial.  Or, for instance, concrete aspects of our physical world, and non-concrete material.  Balls and clocks and couches and people are concrete things, while oxygen and taste and heat and music and non-concrete experiences.  They seem to serve two different purposes in our assimilation of the world around us.  Sounds and words and aromas and colors seem to have a great ability to enlighten us...to help us to think in a way we have not thought before.  When ideas are expressed through non-concrete mediums, we become new and different from it.  The concrete parts of the world seem, rather, to give validity to those ideas.  We verify our thoughts and perspectives by actually witnessing and interacting with those things that prove its existence.  It is when things physical happen that we can affirm ideas and fix them in our brains.

So I think it is with actual thinking:  There are two categories of ideas, concrete, and abstract.  It can be hard, I think, to figure out which kind of thinking is better.  For some, thinking in very concrete ways is most natural.  They keep basic patterns of thought where this leads to that and that leads to this.  They can be confronted with a situation and recall a very basic, fundamental, and wide-sweeping rule about the universe that helps them react quickly and appropriately in a situation.  They work well when things are proved to them matter-of-fact-ly in a way that can be easily followed and grasped.  Then there are abstract thinkers.  They flourish when given questions that cause them to doubt their current perception of the universe.  They like to connect any and all subjects together to find fun connections between them.  Their ideas are more pliable and their rules of the universe more like theories and guidelines.  Their brain is more of a web or cloud of spontaneous thought and deep ponderings all happening at once.  A lot of times, I think that we try to decide which way is more practical, or more right, and strive to push ourselves to that way of thinking if we aren't already there.  But I think you really need a good balance of both!  Just as the physical world we live in is a constant concrete and non-concrete experience, our thinking should be firmly concrete and abstract every day.  This way, your abstract thoughts can help you to form ideas and mentalities and goals and connections, and your concrete thinking (which can even be experimental...just try to set a particular thought into a concrete rule in your head...if it doesn't work, pulverize it and pick something else to be concrete!) can help to validate those thoughts.  We each have good experience in one or the other...find a friend that thinks the other way.  Rub off on each other!

I think one of the reasons that all this seems to be so influential and pertinent to us is because we are dual beings.  We are encased in a physical body and a spiritual body!  It is important that both of them need to be fed, can be injured, can become fatigued, can grow and mature, they each have eyes and ears and senses...both of those are always happening at once, and they are quite different from each other!

I feel like I'm not talking about myself...I'm just talking...so I'll stop now.  But I (I think I'm looking for the word dare?) encourage you to pay attention to what you are doing to and with BOTH of your bodies...it's quite intriguing.

A Misunderstood Brainwave

One of the food anomalies of this life I've never understood is why most of us will go weeks/months without ever thinking about pickles...and if we see them in the fridge or at the store, there is no appeal...and then all of a sudden, out of the blue, you have a craving for them, and find them abnormally delicious.  This lasts one day.  Maybe two.  We munch all the pickles in the house...and then have no desire to eat them for another month or two.  Why does that happen?

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So I have to hurry and justify a mental phrase I catch myself saying...to myself.  Because I am insecure and often feel like there's someone out there who can read my thoughts, I often feel the need to explain my thoughts just in case anyone mystically overheard them:

I have a sister fairly close to me in age.  Whenever I find that a boy "likes" her, my first thought is always "Why does he like her?"

Rude, right?  No, it's not really rude.  :)  But it sounds rude, which is why I feel like I have to explain myself.  To say that is my thought because there's not much to like about her is simply debunked by the fact that just about every boy she meets seems to be stricken by her.  Rather, this thought running through my head is caused by the fact that there are so many reasons to like her.  It is in my nature as a loving and protective brother to be curious about which reason any certain boy is taken with her.

You see, some really like her because she's so laid back and chill about everything.  Others like her because she is honest.  Some love her because of her beauty...she has invincibly amazing hair, and eyes that could hypnotize anyone.  I know some who admire her ability to move past her own debilitating trials and live life fully and with excitement despite so many things that could bring her down.  She is hard working and dedicated to her commitments.  She has a brilliant sense of humor and can keep you laughing for hours.  Others enjoy her company because she can empathize and counsel people who aren't sure how to react to the things happening around them.  She is a fine dancer, and a master of practicality.  See how many different reasons one might fall for her?

And so, whenever a boy shows interest in her, I think "Why does HE like her?"  The things about her that they pick out help someone like me to better judge their character and the likelihood of them treating her right.  I try not to give my two cents too often (because, in all actuality, I have a lot more than two cents), but I tend to watch her every move...and the eyes of every guy who ever looks at her.

Is it wrong for me to feel so protective?  I have just seen through life experience that it can be very easy for her to find a man that would mistreat her or play with her heart.  I haven't threatened to beat anyone up yet, but I've thought about it.  ;)

To any of you out there that has eyes on my sister...unless you plan on treating her like a queen, BACK OFF, or I will hurt you.

Love you, bye!

When Sore Trials Come Upon Me

I don't understand how one can have such a wonderful day as I have had and still come out of it in the end feeling so melancholy as I do.  It doesn't happen too often, I'm generally a genuinely happy person about just about everything...but every once in a while, things just feel really weighty and insuperable.

I have a problem that I don't feel is necessary to divulge, for sake of any of you being able to relate in your own way, so I wish to simply talk about the feelings that come from it.  I've had this problem for a very long time, and it is one that tends to create great barriers between me and some of my greatest life goals.  I struggle every day, hoping that by endless prayer and a miracle, that one day I will overcome this trial of mine and be able to move on, uninhibited by it.  But it just doesn't dissipate.  It can be frustrating at times, because my dreams always seem so within reach...but I can't ever quite grasp them.

And I become exasperated.  I find myself eating ice cream in a large, empty kitchen feeling quite lonely.  It's funny how a persistent trial can translate into feelings of loneliness, even when you have hundreds of good friends.  Sometimes it's hard to do anything else but just throw my head into my arms and feel sorry for myself because no one will understand quite what I go through and I'm not prepared to go complaining about it anyway.  There are some obstacles we don't need to drag a lot of other people into, though venting to the people closest to you can help a lot.

Then it is the next day and I go back to all my busy duties and I smile and laugh and have a great time with all the people that I love to be with.  The problem is still there, but it seems a little more ignorable if I can be surrounded by friends.

But there's this thing about being by yourself.  I don't know if you've noticed, but it's really easy to come back into realization about all the terrible things in your life.  Being left alone at night seems to be the most dangerous, because so many of us are so easily discouraged by what is going on in our lives at that time.  And so, for a couple nights in a row, I find myself withdrawn and contemplative, wondering if I'll ever amount to anything, and if I'm strong enough to live a full life despite obstacles I face.  Often, it seems impossible.

I'm not perfect.  I'm not invincible.  I wish I was, I'd be a more reliable friend that way.  But I am also grateful that God puts some trials in our path that we can't quite stumble over so we can trade some reliability for relatability.  Think about it, for every hard time you have been through or perhaps currently struggle with, you've been able to relate to someone else trying to push through the evils of the world.  If you could have somehow come out of childhood invincible, someone who could never get down on themselves or be bothered by lack of money or friendship or strength, you would be the most reliable friend anybody could have.  But no one could relate to you.

I am grateful for the gifts God gives us that make us relatable.  It's hard to remember that they are gifts, but they are.  And I have been blessed with a struggle that looks to me like it will last me my whole life.  How beautiful!  I can count on the fact that I will always be able to relate with those I love and help them emotionally in times of need.

It will be hard, but I believe it will be worth it.

A Hurting Heart

It's amazing what love will do to us.  There are lots of senses of the word...romantic love, best-friend love, familial love, sympathetic love...it's all around us and within us, and we do crazy things because of it.  I currently am seeing a few such things happen around me during this part of my life...some from me, some from friends...and it's got me to thinking:  We all will say that we hate drama, right?  But what does all this drama that comes from seemingly evil people come from?  It comes from love!  It comes from people caring about each other.  Sometimes we react to love wrongly.  It happens.

Below, I have written about such scenarios in which, if you are not the source, drama will always stem from. So, I ask you to read them, and then tell me that you have never been the source of any of these situations:

Keeping Secrets.  You find that you really care for someone, but you're not really sure you're ready for commitment for various reasons.  Because of this, any interaction you have with this person, you don't care to divulge to your close friends for fear of them teasing you about it and making more of it than it is, or than you're ready for it to be.  It's hard after a while, because the more you hang out with this person, the more you care for them, and the more you want to talk about it...but you don't.  Until one of your close friends finds out from someone else.

Instant Repugnance.  You and your best friend are having the time of your lives.  You hang out all the time, and you can tell them absolutely anything.  Then, you find that someone else that your best friend really likes is coming into the picture.  You hardly know them, but for reasons seemingly beyond your control, you already loathe that person.  Or at least the idea of them.  This isn't because you're a naturally spiteful person, but you fear that your best friend, whom you love dearly, is no longer going to be as close to you as they once were, and it scares you.

Telling Lies.  You are really into this person you've met, but your family just doesn't seem to click with this person.  After a couple times of getting uncomfortable looks from siblings and parents after having the person over or just telling the story of that ridiculous adventure you just went on, you decide to stop telling them about it to keep from hurting them.  Rather, any dates with this person become "going to the library to do homework" or "helping a friend who's having a hard time."  When you come back and you're obviously giddy, it's because "you won the bowing match with your friends" or "your favorite actor is in a new movie."  You feel bad, but your family seems happier now.

Blatant Ignorance.  You and this other person are really close.  You love spending time with them and feel like you can trust them, 100%.  And then they go and do something that breaks that trust.  You find out they lied to you, or did something they knew you wouldn't want them to do...and so, in a flash of confused anger, you cut yourself off from them.  When they call or text, you completely ignore it.  It's not because you hate them, as much as you just have a lot of anger inside of you, and you're afraid that whatever you might say will only further damage your relationship.  And so, you continue ignoring them, hoping that some time, some way, these feelings will go away.

Arm's Length.  You are in a relationship with someone for a while, but then, for whatever reason, that relationship comes to a close.  There is an agreement that romantics will end because it's just not time or it can't work.  But you just can't get over your feelings for that person.  With a broken heart and a secret, eternal, underlying wish that it just might work again with the two of you, you tend to distance yourself from everyone else.  You shy away when others take interest in you or even when you take interest in others, because there's always that one in the back of your mind still.  You don't want to be hurt by these other friends, and you surely don't want to hurt them.  And so, you become a distant and untouchable friend, and no one knows why.

Rumors.  Someone you really admire starts following aspirations and opportunities that you are afraid may hurt or corrupt them if pursued.  You share with them your feelings on the matter, but they dismiss it as empty worries and continue on their path.  Worried for their welfare, slightly untrue things (or even true, but shameful things) start slipping out of your mouth, almost without your consent.  This isn't because you are filled with evil and want to destroy their life, but because you hope that if certain doors close, this detrimental path they are taking will end, and they will be spared the hurt and corruption you foresee.

Verbal Abuse.  You truly love someone, in whichever sense, but either you can't tell them, or they don't return the affection, or they are hurting themselves, or something is happening that could jeopardize your relationship.  You are continually filled with angst as this invisible wall comes up that seems to block your love from reaching them.  The emotional pressure builds, and comes out more angrily than anything else.  Your lack of ability to show how much you care causes you to yell at them during your interactions, or say biting, sarcastic things, or put them down, or make sure they know when they've had a stupid idea.  You can't help it.  You love them.  Why can't they see that?

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Not that any of these things are correct or acceptable, but they happen.  They've happened to you.  And so I beg, if someone is causing drama in your life for any reason or in any upsetting way...just loving them might be the best option.  More often than not, they are doing it out of misdirected or threatened love.  Show them how much you care.  Look for the very best of who they are.  Help them to see that.  Help them to feel that they are loved.  The drama will go away.  I promise.  These are just signs of a hurting heart.  

And you can help them.

Wasted Time

I just finished a computer programming assignment that I've been working on for the past four days.  ...And this is an introduction to C++ programming.  Oh, dear.  There is way more than meets the eye that goes into a simple computer program working.  It took me forever just to get it to read in a list of a couple names and then put it in alphabetical order and be able to find one of those names if I searched for it.  It was ridiculous.  The time consumption of some homework assignments is overwhelming.

Actually, there are quite a lot of things that, as you really get involved in them, really take great time commitments.  Whether it's a job or a social club or a major in college or a musical production or a refined hobby, it really takes time once you delve into those things.  ...This raises the question in my head:  Is it worth it?

I am one of the worst when it comes to filling up all the time in one's life with activities and commitments.  I have almost every hour of each day of the week mapped out for me at its beginning.  In essence, those things taking up all my time are my life.  They are me!  They're who I am!  So what if I don't really like them?

I think the purpose of this life is to really make something of ourselves so we can help others to do the same. But a man can study his life away about all the philosophies of man and scientific findings and become a brilliant mathematician, building new equations and solving seemingly incurable epidemics...but if he doesn't enjoy it...if somewhere way back when before his life became overruled by academic expectations, his great desire had been to sail the ocean in search for new marine life, and he didn't do it because of money constraints or social pressures or demotivation...perhaps in the end his life has been wasted.

The society we live in today wants to put everyone into perfect concrete boxes of identity that they are given when they are quite young, and then grow to fill that box they were prescribed for their lifetime.  This is not how it should be.  We each grow up with dreams and wants and insights and visions of great things that could be, and then we douse them and throw them aside once it's time to find a way to make a living.  Or, worse yet, in order to achieve that great vision they have, some people find themselves taking second-rate jobs doing things they've never liked doing, and continue taking those jobs over and over in search for the money.  They keep searching and searching and earning and earning, and never end up attaining their dream, rather just chasing money in alleys the ought never have been in.

WHO ARE YOU??  I ask this question a lot, but my heart just yearns to truly know who you are.  We hide it.  We mask it.  We only let little bits of ourselves out.  We inhibit ourselves.  We exhibit "self control" which is really just self dilution.  Our spirits are so potent with thought and with power!  The few who actually tap into that full oncoming flow of who they are and what they can be are considered geniuses in the modern world.  It's not that they had a brain superior to yours...it's that they didn't ignore themselves.  The more you suppress who you are or put it off for another time, the more and more ordinary you will become.

What are you doing with your life?  What takes up most of your time?  Do you enjoy it?  What fascinates you more than anything else in this world?  Are you actively pursuing more experiences with that, or are you simply watching television shows about it?  Where do you work?  Why do you work there?  Where is that going to take you?  What do you study?  Why?  Is it what you always imagined you'd studied?  If we're not careful, it can be easy to go a long time without stopping and asking yourself why your current time consumption is in dissonance with who you are.  What takes your time is who you are, like it or not, it's how it is.  You are your time.  What is your time up to this week?

I believe life is to be lived!!  To be explored!  Don't go doing things people have always done for which we all already know the end results.  How perfectly boring.  I am meant to discover things, to change things, to invent things, to write things, to sing things, to jump and laugh and sail and fly and roll and swing and ponder and cry and hug and greet and command and obey and swim and fall and climb...I am meant to do something truly great.

I believe, if you pay attention to that burning little feeling deep in the heart of your own soul, you will find that you are meant for something truly great, too.

The Movie Life

It's funny how, if I were on a movie right now, blogging, there would be exciting music playing (probably Owl City), and my hands would be moving down an unnecessary amount as I randomly twirl around in my chair or do a cool arm swish when I press Enter...while laughing and smiling the whole time.  Sometimes I wish we did things like they do in the movies.  We'd be so much more animated!  I'm still trying to figure out how to drive the way they do in movies without making everyone's heads bang against the windows over and over.

I don't know if anyone else has this problem...but when I have headphones in, I suddenly feel like I am in a movie, like I am the main character at some pivotal scene on the screen.  So when I'm on the bus, I occasionally get someone coming over to comfort me because they saw me on the verge of tears staring forlornly out the window.  I'm never actually sad...my imagination is just a little more vivid than is socially convenient.

Just in case you have the desire to feel the exuberance I have felt spontaneously finding myself in movie scenes, I have a couple suggestions for you, which I can vouch for from experience, as ways you can enter the dramatic world.  Remember to put your headphones in (overhead music is great, too).

• While walking home, break out into a slow motion run...see how believable you can make it.  And you need to look either ecstatic or like you're running for your life.
• On a rainy night, curl up in a window seat and stare at the moon, alone.
• Find the nearest pole.  Latch onto it, and pull the rest of your body as far away from it as possible.  It's amazing how terrifying a fake hurricane can be with the right music.
• When writing a paper for school or work, be sure to have about twenty extra papers and books around you.  Keep crumbling papers up and throwing them into the ever-filling garbage can every minute or so.  Remember to write really fast and tap your head to pretend you just had another brilliant idea.
• Laugh silently while doubling over (mouth wide open, be dramatic).  Can be done anywhere, any time.
• Break out into dance in a wide open space, like a field or parking lot.  If you really get into it, it will be one of the most enjoyable things you've ever done.  Let it all out!
• Walk down Main Street.  Pretend it's the first time you've ever seen any of it, and gawk at everything in wonder as you pass.
• Pick a stranger at some distance away.  Fall hopelessly in love.  Watch their every move.  Turn up the music as they get closer.
• Hold up every outfit imaginable in front of yourself at a mirror.  Can be done in your bedroom or at a local retailer.
• Get yourself covered in something, like snow or mud or Jell-O.  Look fabulous while you do it.
• Stick your head and arms out of a moving vehicle and pretend like you're flying.

Really, these activities will enrich your life.  And, speaking of dancing in a wide open space, all over the nation, there are people gathering together to do flash mob dances this Valentine's Day to raise awareness for beaten women, organized in part by CAPSA.  It's going to be awesome.  Do some research to find out if anyone is putting it together in your area!  If no one is, then YOU spread the word, and set the place and time!  It's easy.  Use CAPSA's official website for the event (click that link) for videos about the cause, and videos that will teach you the dance.  If you are near Logan, where I am, join our facebook event for more details here.

By the way, any and all of the above listed ideas make for a great music video.

Fin.

The College Classroom : Meet the Cast

There's got to be some flaw in the system of law we abide by when just the fact that a policeman is behind you has you checking your mirror in paranoia the entire time you drive even when you are not doing anything illegal.  What kind of people are they, that they should instill such fear in us??  It's not fair...it's exhausting, really.

At the end of the day, I am finally feeling a little better than I was yesterday/this morning.  I may have passed this insidious disease on to Marissa (no, we haven't been kissing, as much as she'd like that), which I feel badly about.  I'm not sure what exactly must be what's wrong with me, because my symptoms change emphasis every couple hours.  It's an ear infection!  No, strep throat!  No, a bad cold!  Actually, the flu!  False alarm, it's mono.  Oh, it looks like it may be a severe allergy attack, is all.

Whatever.

I went to work again today...it's nice to have a job that you can still do even when you are ready to perish.  I probably have one of the easiest jobs on the planet.  I'm a Regional Campuses and Distance Education Facilitator for Utah State University...a fancy way of saying I attend an hour and a half long class in order to turn on a television and a projector, and then sit there and turn on the student microphones whenever someone has a question.  That's about it.  It's incredible, really.  Because of it, I'm getting a refresher on Calculus, I'm learning about core landscaping techniques, the wildlife on the Galapagos Islands, the history of folklore throughout the world, and I'm getting an anthropological look at religion and why it exists.  It's fascinating!  And even when it's not, I just do homework!  But I always sound really important when I tell people where I work, and I get a fancy name badge and everything.  I've never had to do so little while looking so smart!

Since I've had the opportunity to sit and stare at classes for hours on end, I've been very entertained by the different kinds of students there are:

Susan Studymuch:  Looks like she's going to pass out throughout the entire class period, as she frantically writes down every word on the screen and every word spoken by the teacher.  One wonders if she actually has time to read everything she wrote afterward (or if it's even possible to end up with legible notes after writing at such a furious pace).  She never answers or asks questions...she doesn't have time.  I'm thinking about bringing a little spray bottle just in case her pencil catches fire.

Calvin Cool:  Always in the back.  Wears monochrome clothing and never looks the teacher in the eye.  Rather, he puts his feet up on the table with this look on his face that says "go ahead, I DARE you to ask me to participate."  ...Not that he doesn't participate...just, when he does, it's usually just loud enough for the class to hear and start chuckling about as the teacher become increasingly annoyed.  Calvin can sometimes be caught checking his teeth in the mirror (one of the few things he seems embarrassed about if caught in the act).

Allie Airhead:  Not much is known about how Allie has survived living in a college environment.  Is most often seen chewing a great wad of bubble gum, which, when blown into a bubble, never seems to touch her vivid lipstick.  Twirling her voluminous hair with her left hand while endlessly staring at the nails on her right hand, she listens to the faint voice of the teacher in the background.  When words like "boys" or "pink" or "shoes" come up in the lecture, her eyelashes cause a slight gust to move across the room as she perks up, ready to give her two cents about what she knows on the subject.

Samuel Snoozer:  A personal favorite to watch.  Samuel plays a game that has rather straightforward rules:  (1) Stay up all night so you will be as tired as possible during class.  (2) Get out pen and paper so as to look like you are participating.  (3) NEVER let your head touch anything.  (4) If you accidentally twitch, just look like you had a good idea and write something unintelligible down.  (5) Don't actually fall asleep, but it's okay to close your eyes and start thinking about unicorns.  (6) Rub some kind of muscle weakening agent on your neck before class.  (7) Good luck.

Tanya Talksalot:  Should bring some kind of small stand to put on the desk that can hold up her arm indefinitely.  Always has something to say, sometimes relevant, and sometimes wildly off-topic.  She is convinced that she and the teacher have developed a close relationship, and begins to speak on a whim as if some rite of passage has been received through imaginary bonding time.  She soon begins addressing her comments to the class as if she is now teaching jointly with the teacher.  For some reason, the teacher doesn't do anything about it.

Gus Gamehead:  Has his head buried in his iPod/laptop/GameBoy during the entier class period.  He intermittently has to hurry and make some kind of comment when the whole class turns to look at him after he accidentally shouts in either victory or defeat due to a turn of events on his screen.  Surprisingly, he get some of the best grades in the class.

Sally Smitten:  Oogles at the teacher, in her head not realizing that the fact that she is on the front row and doesn't have any materials on her desk makes her actions extremely conspicuous.  She daydreams of the teacher ripping off his shirt or showing them videos of him wrestling wild animals or asking her to come up to the front as a volunteer.  Studies show that paper projectiles don't seem to phase her.

-------------------------------

Well, that's my job for you.  I enjoy it immensely.  I need to start some kind of study or something...there are few habitats as fascinating as a college classroom.

Nasty Drugs

I suppose it's a good thing that none of the drugs with codeine in them taste good.  It's a shame, though.

I missed my first class today, then went to work (and probably looked like death the whole I time I was there), went to the doctor, found out I have a serious upper respiratory infection--which doesn't help my asthma and my bad allergies...my whole body aches--and need to put a million chemicals in my body, not to cure it, but to make it bearable while I push through it, and then I went home and promptly crashed.  I've just awoken for a moment, but I will be dead asleep again in ten minutes, I'm sure of it.

Actually, I really enjoyed going to work while I was extremely ill today.  Doing things that seem impossible, no matter how hard, is always a rewarding thing to do.  Even if you can't do all of an impossible thing, just to do a little bit of it can really pull up your feelings of self-worth.

I am now waiting with cat-like attentiveness for the next "I've always wanted to..." statement that I can turn into a reality.  I need a new project to do this weekend.  ;)  I'll let you know when I've honed in on one.

Until next time, your host is passing out.

Throwing Around Colors

This post is for yesterday...I didn't write yesterday, because after I had finished with the days activities, I went straight to bed.  I am super sick.

It's amazing how far you will go to fake that you're not sick in order to have something you really desire!  Weekends (and Monday, because it was Martin Luther King Jr. Day) are really the only chance I get to hang out with some of my friends, and I had planned a pretty awesome adventure...and there was no way I was going to miss my only chance of the week to have some fun with them by being sick.  Sure, it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it was worth it.

I made a dream become a reality today, one of my very most favorite pastimes.  This is how it happened:  I spent my day making a couple trips into town.  I bought a cheap pool cover that I put in my garage to make the ground a little less hard, then I bought four bottles each of green, red, blue, and yellow paint.  I found a large amount of protective plastic to put over the pool cover in my garage.  Then I bought four pairs of hideous white women's slacks, two dress shirts, three white women's blouses, a white hat, a white purse, a white scarf, and some white shoes.  And we were ready to begin.

We played PAINT TWISTER.  I don't know if you've ever heard of it...rather than using a Twister board, we painted our own, and then put big globs of paint on each of the dots to ensure slipperiness and messiness as we played the game.  It was so epic.  I spent all morning as I was sniffling trying to wash all the red and blue paint out of my hair.  Really, it was brilliant.  If you ever want to try a ridiculously messy date, choose this one.

We headed on over to Wendy's to eat dinner.  Generally, this is an unremarkable action.  I only mention it because I would like to do a quick bit of advertising.  You see, when I went there, they had a little sign up that said you could by a little Frosty key chain for one dollar, which Frosty key chain entitles you to a free Junior Frosty every time you visit and buy something...through December of 2013!!  Seriously.  Free Junior Frostys with every visit to Wendy's for an entire year...for one dollar.  I totally bought one, and I'm very excited.

Then we played Apples to Apples...up until someone played the card "Donuts."  Marissa immediately started searching on her phone for the nearest Krispy Kreme shop on her phone (there is not one anywhere near Logan), and she found one in Layton, which is about an hour away.  On a whim, Marissa, Madison (more about her later), and I drove to Layton at 9:30 at night for a Krispy Kreme run.  We got back at midnight.  Goodness, those doughnuts are stunning.

After buying 24 doughnuts among the 3 of us, and only eating 6 collectively, (the 2 1/2 hours of driving was still worth it), we just sat in the car and talked for a couple hours.  I love it when we do that.

A common phrase in Latter-day Saint culture is that we were sent to this earth to be tested.  While the general and obvious meaning of that is true, I think it is easier to find correct direction and perception in our lives if we can recognize what is more true.  A belief a more correct way to describe the reason we are here on earth is to test.  We are here to test things in ways that we can never do in a more spiritual realm.  A mortal life is such an incredible opportunity to test all sorts of emotions, ideas, actions, and desires to see what happens when we allow them to take place in our lives, and how we feel about them.  We are here to test to see what we want and who we are.  We're not here to get an A, B, or C to determine if we are celestial material or not...we're here to test all the different levels of thought and living...and to determine what we want.  And, if we are to say we were sent here "to be tested," I suggest we use one of the words from which this word we use takes its root:  texere, meaning "to weave."  That is why we are here.  We are here to be made.  To be weaved into some new great tapestry, depicting a vision of the beauty of our innermost desires.

Don't worry about passing the test of mortality.  Rather, worry about whether you are conducting all the tests that are available to you.  This earth is a treasure-trove of knowledge and experience.  Seize it!

Expressing Yourself

Each of us has a special gift within us that is "our way" of releasing our emotions.  Whether others feel the same as us about it or not, there is always something that helps us connect with our inner thoughts...something that helps us understand who we are.  And there is a two-way flow.  You have something you take in to yourself to enliven your senses and emotions, and then there's something that reaches its way out of you to show you who you are.

For me (as I believe it is with a great many of you), what I take in is music.  All kinds of music really speak to me.  But there is definitely one artist that seems to just click.  When "Owl City" comes on, my senses of sight literally become more vivid.  I think faster, I react smarter, I smile wider, and I just can't help but dance...which has caused a series of bruises, actually...the shower is a slippery place to lose yourself in the music.

What comes out of me is poetry.  When I really want to express myself or tap into my misunderstood emotions, I write a poem.  Sunday in particular seems to really draw my poetic side out of me.  So, I thought I would share a few of my poems with you.

My first of the three poems I want to share with you is more of a story (and, admittedly, my favorite, so perhaps I should have saved it for last).  I don't think most people think enough about what exactly happened during the one event that permitted us to be born on earth:  The Fall of Adam and Eve.  What an incredibly momentous occasion!  One that, if understood, gives us a beautiful blueprint for the basic tenants of humanity!  I wrote this in hopes that it might spark in others new ideas about this age-old tale that will change their view on our first parents.  I present, "The Mother of All."

To light the grand beginning of His great Eternal plan,

Almighty God took dirt and clay, and formed it into man.

He called the man's name Adam, and in Eden he was found.

This Garden, filled with evergreens and flowers all around,

Left Adam wanting nothing, but he tarried there alone.

So God did cause the man to sleep, took from his ribs a bone,

And made a help-meet by his side to whom the man did cleave.

He took the woman fair to wife in love, and called her Eve.

"Be fruitful, multiply," said God, "I've sons prepared for thee!"

But Adam wist not what it meant, nor Eve, how this could be.

"Behold the tree of knowledge between evil things and right:

The fruit thereof will open eyes to darkness and to light.

Now, of this fruit do not partake (of this there is no pardon)

If you wish to live forever in the peace of Eden's Garden.

If you wish to stay here and commune with God on High,

This fruit is then forbidden, for if eaten, thou shalt die."

So Eve and Adam went their way and God did follow after

Telling them His plans to hear exalted children's laughter.

Every morning God would come with stories so exciting

Of heroes overcoming death, or two great nations fighting,

Sometimes He told of fearless men who braved the ice and snow

To find a way back to their home and fam'ly they loved so.

The man and woman carried on, each day quite like the other,

And every night beside the fire they'd talk with one another:

"My darling Eve! How was your day?" the man began each night.

"Same as always," she'd reply, "except I took a bite

Of an orange, not a pear today. Then counted every tree..."

"Five hundred seventeen!" he'd say. "That's all that I could see."

And so the weeks went on this way with little alteration

Until, one day, a serpent called and offered Eve temptation:

"Why haven't ye partaken, as you've dwelt in here thus long,

Of this fruit, to be as God in heaven, knowing good from wrong?"

The woman then explained to him that she should surely die.

"Partake, and never taste of death!" the wily serpent lied.

Of course, the devil's story didn't match God's in the least,

And so the mother of us all ignored the slith'ring beast.

But as she pondered on the fruit of bitter consequence,

The stories God had told began to make a lot of sense;

She thought of all His lessons as she ran for Adam's fire.

"My darling Eve! How was your day?" routinely he inquired.

"Adam, dost thou think that this is all, or is there more?"

(The man was startled, hearing words she'd never said before.)

"What of families?" Eve pursued, "Those units God adores?

What of men of honor? What of peace that follows wars?

And what of passion? Charity? The stories God has told...

What if they're more than fairytale? What if they could unfold?"

"What of evil?" he replied, "Of savages and thorns?

What of the crown God tells us that unjustly Christ adorns?

What of hatred? What of sin? To fall, to fail, to die!"

Confused and frightened at the task, his wife began to cry.

Through careful contemplation, Eve and Adam soon perceived

That despite the Garden's haven safe, God needed them to leave.

Decision of uncertainty! The bite 'tween death and life!

Though Adam knew the fearful truth, he left it to his wife.

She thought of that forbidden tree, the costliest endeavor,

Whose fruit demands Gethsemane...else live in peace forever.

And then, with greater courage than had e'er been seen before,

She reached. She plucked. She bit, and was in Eden found no more.

I know that what Eve did was one of the most brave actions in the history of the world.  ...And don't worry, the other two poems are much shorter.  While contemplating on the things I wrote in my post "Conflicted Crosswalkers," these words began forming in my mind about the dual nature of ourselves, and how we can tend to lie to ourselves if we are not careful.  I call it, "The Second Self."

In everything, the old and new,

The mountains and the rubble,

There's so much more to me and you...

In fact, we all are double.

The one of us has come about

From those so dear we know.

Each expectation, word, and doubt

They will on us bestow

Will slowly mold this self of ours

To what the world desires.

It is from them our first self flow'rs...

Our first selves are the liars.

But buried deep beneath the first,

A second us is living.

And when the first has done its worst,

The second's unforgiving.

This one of us will not permit

To live this learned facade,

And when we to the world submit,

Our second self will prod.

Inside, this pure, melodious self

Is who we truly are.

So leave the lies up on the shelf,

And be that shining star.

I wrote this final poem after contemplating all the great changes that have happened in my life because I have met people that, for some reason, saw something in me and wanted to help me develop that something.  I have had so many friends that have caused me to blossom into something new, and I am so grateful for them.  I sure you know someone that has done this for you, too.  It is entitled, "Each Life That Touches Ours For Good."

A priceless gem, a work of art, 

Unique, one of a kind, 

I hid so well right from the start, 

Not even I could find. 

The energy was too immense, 

It fought so desperately, 

Until one day you caught a glimpse. 

You caught a glimpse of me. 

That tiny drop, that speck of light, 

Did your lone eyes behold, 

And with your pickaxe, day and night, 

You softly searched for gold. 

For my own light I could not see, 

Had nothing left to do, 

But in your mirror, first degree, 

I found myself in you. 

Now I can shine for all the world 

And reach the highest height. 

With my new flag of life unfurled, 

My beacon glowing bright, 

Do what I thought I never could, 

Because it’s you I met. 

Each life that touches ours for good 

We never soon forget.

Now it's your turn.  You don't have to share those things that you do, as I have, that help you express your innermost emotions, but just do it!  I don't share most of the things I write...they are simply for me, and I will always cherish them.  If you don't know what your gift is yet, go exploring.  It could be music, painting, sculpting, journaling...or something none of us have ever done before.  There is a powerful being inside of you, and it wants to come out.  Let it.  It's very exciting.

Someone Searching

I am often referred to as a "walking dictionary," so I frequently have the definitions of various words swimming through my head.  Really, there is significant effect on how we perceive the world that comes from what we understand the definitions of basic words to be.

So, I have had one word in particular surfacing with a little question mark throughout the week...one that I think it necessary to find a more solid definition for--or at least a poetic one.

Over the course of this week I have been busier than, perhaps, I have been any other time in my life (which is encouraging, seeing as it is the blueprint for this whole semester of school I'm jumping into).  With scarcely a time to text friends, let alone see them, I have spent most of my hours alone.

Loneliness.  What is it?  Why does it come?  How does it affect us?  Who feels it and when?  What is its purpose?  How should we react?  I can't profess I'm going to answer these question; rather, I sit down now to think about them aloud with you...maybe I'll get some inspiration.

I looked up "loneliness" in the dictionary.  These are the 5 results I discovered:

lone-ly [lohn-lee] adjective, lone-li-er, lone-li-est.

1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

Well, obviously.  You'd think that dictionary writers would have at least learned by now that if they are going to insist on putting in a definition of a word that contains the very word they are defining, they could at least put it last.

2. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.

While this seems to be the most straightforward answer, I won't believe it.  I know for a fact that you don't have to be without company to feel lonely.  This definition may be (though I am not sure) where feelings of loneliness begin.  All week I have been companionless, without company.  It wears on you.  Working, learning, studying, creating, eating, traveling, shopping...when all these things are done alone for long amounts of time, it can be easy to begin questioning your worth.  Your feelings of significance in the world can begin to diminish.  You start to wonder if you're really making a difference.  As this begins to snowball, then even in the presence of friends and family, there is still this burning void within you, that doesn't seem to go away, that just makes it all seem like a dream.

3. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak.

True, I suppose, but not too frequently.  When with a friend, I actually think that situations like this are the times that you feel least lonely.  Have you ever been stranded somewhere or put in danger or hiked afar off with just one or two other people?  It is a truly rewarding experience.  If you really want to feel a kinship with those you love, figure out how to hike a mountain together or take the wrong bus to a different state or get trapped in an elevator for a couple hours.  And, on the other hand, when alone in these situations, I believe, are some of the very best times to slow down for a moment and get to know your Father in Heaven a little better.  Some other favorite experiences of mine are in those quiet moments where I had wandered off  to a tall tree in the forest or a hidden shore of an ocean and just soaked in my surroundings.  It's hard to feel lonely when you take the time to realize you are physically integrated with everything around you.  Is loneliness, then, an effect of not being exposed to nature?

4. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, support, etc.

This seems to be the deeper version of definition #2.  But how many of you can remember a time (perhaps it is now) that you just felt worthless, without hope, misunderstood, unloved, or abandoned...and then you were so blessed to have a dear friend come up beside you and put their arms around you and tell you that it would all be okay and that they were there for you through thick or thin...but somehow, the loneliness just didn't go away?  That's what happened to me today.  So sympathetic companionship still doesn't seem to be quite the antithesis of loneliness...

5. standing apart; isolated.

Ah.  See?  Why do they put the best ones last?  When I read this it pierced me to the heart, and I knew that this was the major cause (not complete, but a significant portion) of my loneliness.  Standing apart.  This is the only definition, it seems, that implies that an action has been performed that has resulted in loneliness.  All the other definitions implied changing circumstances the person is subjected to that caused loneliness in them.  And this is always the first thought.  We believe that because our little island of day-to-day experiences has drifted away from everyone else's or because someone broke up with us or others have gotten too busy, that we have unavoidably been afflicted with the despair of loneliness.

But isn't it really that we have chosen to stand apart from the others around us?  Isn't it that we insist in our minds that no one will understand us, so we don't talk about our feelings with those we love?  Or maybe that we've made ourselves so busy, we don't have time to be a blessing in someone else's life to show them we care.  Perhaps we have felt the need to place ourselves in a lower or higher position than our peers due to talents or looks or abilities or opportunities.  Or have we decided that we don't need anyone else's help on this huge project we're working on?  The more I have delved deep into my soul (and believe me, this can be a painful thing), the more I have been able to see that any feelings of loneliness I have can be found rooted in actions that I have taken--knowingly or unknowingly--to stand apart.

If you ever have, or currently do, or soon will feel these feelings of loneliness that poison the best of us, let me make a suggestion:  turn outward.  Trust me, it is the greatest blessing to be able to love a friend.  Just being loved is not enough.  It never has been.  I love the lyric to the popular choir number, "Find...me...somebody to LOOooove!"  That's what you are in search for when you feel lonely.  You are in search for someone to love.  :)  So find someone.  You'll be amazed at the new and vivid color that your life will take on.  As you search longer and longer for things that you have the ability to do to bless others' lives, you will discover more about yourself than you ever would have found before.

lone-ly [lohn-lee] adjective, lone-li-er, lone-li-est.

1. looking inward.