I don't understand how one can have such a wonderful day as I have had and still come out of it in the end feeling so melancholy as I do. It doesn't happen too often, I'm generally a genuinely happy person about just about everything...but every once in a while, things just feel really weighty and insuperable.
I have a problem that I don't feel is necessary to divulge, for sake of any of you being able to relate in your own way, so I wish to simply talk about the feelings that come from it. I've had this problem for a very long time, and it is one that tends to create great barriers between me and some of my greatest life goals. I struggle every day, hoping that by endless prayer and a miracle, that one day I will overcome this trial of mine and be able to move on, uninhibited by it. But it just doesn't dissipate. It can be frustrating at times, because my dreams always seem so within reach...but I can't ever quite grasp them.
And I become exasperated. I find myself eating ice cream in a large, empty kitchen feeling quite lonely. It's funny how a persistent trial can translate into feelings of loneliness, even when you have hundreds of good friends. Sometimes it's hard to do anything else but just throw my head into my arms and feel sorry for myself because no one will understand quite what I go through and I'm not prepared to go complaining about it anyway. There are some obstacles we don't need to drag a lot of other people into, though venting to the people closest to you can help a lot.
Then it is the next day and I go back to all my busy duties and I smile and laugh and have a great time with all the people that I love to be with. The problem is still there, but it seems a little more ignorable if I can be surrounded by friends.
But there's this thing about being by yourself. I don't know if you've noticed, but it's really easy to come back into realization about all the terrible things in your life. Being left alone at night seems to be the most dangerous, because so many of us are so easily discouraged by what is going on in our lives at that time. And so, for a couple nights in a row, I find myself withdrawn and contemplative, wondering if I'll ever amount to anything, and if I'm strong enough to live a full life despite obstacles I face. Often, it seems impossible.
I'm not perfect. I'm not invincible. I wish I was, I'd be a more reliable friend that way. But I am also grateful that God puts some trials in our path that we can't quite stumble over so we can trade some reliability for relatability. Think about it, for every hard time you have been through or perhaps currently struggle with, you've been able to relate to someone else trying to push through the evils of the world. If you could have somehow come out of childhood invincible, someone who could never get down on themselves or be bothered by lack of money or friendship or strength, you would be the most reliable friend anybody could have. But no one could relate to you.
I am grateful for the gifts God gives us that make us relatable. It's hard to remember that they are gifts, but they are. And I have been blessed with a struggle that looks to me like it will last me my whole life. How beautiful! I can count on the fact that I will always be able to relate with those I love and help them emotionally in times of need.
It will be hard, but I believe it will be worth it.
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